There’s only one thing worse than being lonely, and that’s at that pivotal moment before you fall asleep each night and give yourself time to dwell on the past, think about the present, and dread the future. That moment before you go to sleep, is when you’re finally alone. While you can surround and immerse yourself in friends, family, complete strangers, pets, the list goes on, that time it’s easy to escape, easy to deny any thoughts crossing your mind and easy to forget what you’re trying your hardest to get out of your mind what feels like every minute of every day.
The feeling of loneliness isn’t what consumes you; it’s the feeling of not knowing. Not knowing what their doing at that exact moment your thinking about them. Or even worse, knowing that their not thinking about you. It’s never good to marinate over past problems, past relationships, arguments from the week before. But no matter what we do, we can’t help it.
You try and focus on other things, on work, on school, on training, but nothing seems to work without that all important key, having them. It’s that feeling where nothing can compare. And that feeling of having no comparison to what you really crave, is a million times worse than any loneliness or sadness that can overcome you.
And every night you go to bed and lay there for a decent half hour before drifting off to sleep, there will always be one thought on your mind, normally with iPod earphones blasting into your ears. Songs that bring back the happiest times, then you click over to another song and makes you want to cry yourself to sleep.
You watch movies that have no relevance to your life whatsoever, you zone out and escape into the unrealistic world that the actors are living in for that two hours. You lay on the couch, brainless and unresponsive. Until one thing will just tick, and once again your mind wonders back to your core thoughts.
Every night you look through some old photos, and think back to past conversations, some good, some bad, some just neutral. Take a deep breath in, and realise that your phone keeps going off, but it’s not who you want it to be. It’s like when your craving chocolate late at night, and the only thing in the cupboard is biscuits. Your craving milk, but there’s only water. And your craving him, but you’ve only got the "the next best thing". You read the messages, reply best you can. Slide the phone shut, stare at it for a while, until finally the screen turns off leaving the room black, and you slip into that unavoidable state that you dread. It’s the same routine every night.
Deep down you know that if the world was just you and them, it would be perfect. You could tell them everything again. You’d have that feeling where you weren’t alone, where you could have the worst day in the world, tell them about it and they’d just have to say one thing. And once again, you’d be bouncing off the walls.
The feeling of loneliness isn’t what consumes you; it’s the feeling of not knowing. Not knowing what their doing at that exact moment your thinking about them. Or even worse, knowing that their not thinking about you. It’s never good to marinate over past problems, past relationships, arguments from the week before. But no matter what we do, we can’t help it.
You try and focus on other things, on work, on school, on training, but nothing seems to work without that all important key, having them. It’s that feeling where nothing can compare. And that feeling of having no comparison to what you really crave, is a million times worse than any loneliness or sadness that can overcome you.
And every night you go to bed and lay there for a decent half hour before drifting off to sleep, there will always be one thought on your mind, normally with iPod earphones blasting into your ears. Songs that bring back the happiest times, then you click over to another song and makes you want to cry yourself to sleep.
You watch movies that have no relevance to your life whatsoever, you zone out and escape into the unrealistic world that the actors are living in for that two hours. You lay on the couch, brainless and unresponsive. Until one thing will just tick, and once again your mind wonders back to your core thoughts.
Every night you look through some old photos, and think back to past conversations, some good, some bad, some just neutral. Take a deep breath in, and realise that your phone keeps going off, but it’s not who you want it to be. It’s like when your craving chocolate late at night, and the only thing in the cupboard is biscuits. Your craving milk, but there’s only water. And your craving him, but you’ve only got the "the next best thing". You read the messages, reply best you can. Slide the phone shut, stare at it for a while, until finally the screen turns off leaving the room black, and you slip into that unavoidable state that you dread. It’s the same routine every night.
Deep down you know that if the world was just you and them, it would be perfect. You could tell them everything again. You’d have that feeling where you weren’t alone, where you could have the worst day in the world, tell them about it and they’d just have to say one thing. And once again, you’d be bouncing off the walls.
They are the main priority in your life, and everything else you do has roots that stem back to them. You get so mad at them, because you know your not the priority in their life. But as obvious as it seems, you always find ways to convince yourself that you are, and that they do feel the same way. You brush off the things that tell you your not their priority and obsess over the things that show even the smallest possibility of replicated feelings.
You want so much to just be able to let go of everything, and tell them exactly how you’re feeling, and you’ve come so close so many times. But there’s one thing that always stop’s you - the thought of life without them. You stop yourself because of fear, fear of rejection, if you never tell them you can always have hope, where as if you tell them how you feel, you run the risk of losing the most important thing in your life completely. Because you cant imagine life without them, everything you do has input from them, the clothes you buy, the music you like, its all influenced by them. A life without them seems meaning less, your life revolves around them, and you know it shouldn’t, but you can’t help it, you don’t know any better, and you’re too afraid to try and find any better.
You find others to fill in your days with, but no one comes even close to them. It’s like they're your measuring stick, against which every other person you meet falls short. And it finally gets to the stage, where the substitutes that you’ve found are gone. And it begins again, now your completely alone. So you turn into a writer, and an artist because it gets it out of you what you’ve wanted out for so long.
I can deal with loneliness, until I’m alone.
You want so much to just be able to let go of everything, and tell them exactly how you’re feeling, and you’ve come so close so many times. But there’s one thing that always stop’s you - the thought of life without them. You stop yourself because of fear, fear of rejection, if you never tell them you can always have hope, where as if you tell them how you feel, you run the risk of losing the most important thing in your life completely. Because you cant imagine life without them, everything you do has input from them, the clothes you buy, the music you like, its all influenced by them. A life without them seems meaning less, your life revolves around them, and you know it shouldn’t, but you can’t help it, you don’t know any better, and you’re too afraid to try and find any better.
You find others to fill in your days with, but no one comes even close to them. It’s like they're your measuring stick, against which every other person you meet falls short. And it finally gets to the stage, where the substitutes that you’ve found are gone. And it begins again, now your completely alone. So you turn into a writer, and an artist because it gets it out of you what you’ve wanted out for so long.
I can deal with loneliness, until I’m alone.
